As the Voice continued on, I didn’t really hear the words anymore, but instead
received “knowings” & “transmissions” inside of my own head. In particular,
I was drawn into thinking about my current situation with my husband moving 4 ½ hours away for his new job (we will
be doing a “commuter marriage” soon). I was suddenly aware of a deep despair
inside of me, as I realized for the first time, that deep down inside, I believed that all of this was happening because I
had done something “wrong” or was somehow “deficient”. (Old abandonment issues
resurfacing for healing.)
On the surface, I appeared to be very calm & accepting of the situation, but deep down inside, my heart was saying,
“What did I do wrong? And how can I “fix” myself
to make this situation better?” I needed to heal. Most
of all, I needed to heal my belief about myself.
As I continued to listen, I was reminded that there is NOTHING to fix, that I am perfect just as I am (just as all others involved are also perfect just as they
are). I was also reminded that the situation is perfect just as it is, even if I cannot currently
grasp or recognize its perfection. I was reminded of the importance of “accepting the unacceptable”,
for if we resist, we only create more of that which we do not want….nothing ever changes as long as we are fighting
it or seeing it as “imperfect”.
In this moment,
I experienced a MAJOR shift, and felt the pain that I had been carrying begin to melt away.
It’s true that
it’s not completely gone…each day I discover new layers of pain that I must uncover & scale my way around.
But even though it hurts, I know it’s getting better every day, and I do attribute the beginning of my healing
to the words that were spoken through Shinto on that night.
I realize
now that there is nothing I could have done to “cause” my husband to take this new career path in a new place,
because ultimately, his decision to start a new career has nothing to do with me. He is following the voice
of his soul & letting it lead him in the way that is most appropriate for him at this time.
In some ways, this is very *comforting*, because it means that I have not done anything “wrong” or “bad”
to “cause” this. At the same time, it is also very unsettling, because
this also means that nothing I say or do can “make” him want to come back here when he is done with his first
year there…I cannot be “good enough” or “perfect enough” or “pleasing enough” to
“get” him to eventually come back here, because whether or not he returns back to this location ultimately does
not depend on me or my behavior, but rather hinges on where his heart is leading him.
What will be,
will be. What a powerful lesson in surrender.
*
It’s true that I have a broken heart right now. But a broken
heart is an open heart. I
feel the presence of God’s love stronger than ever before, and in that presence, I know, beyond a doubt, that I am loved
unconditionally.
God/Spirit does not allow us to hurt or feel pain for no reason. No, Spirit does not allow us to
experience suffering unless there is something exceptionally exquisite that can come out of it.
I feel that what is coming out of this for me is a deep spiritual wisdom, and a deeper compassion & love for myself.
I am also learning how to trust Spirit more than ever. As long as I know that there is a higher
purpose involved, I can live through all of this, even if it does hurt deeply.
What is coming out of the hurt in your life? What are you learning from your discomfort &
suffering? Can you see the Higher Purpose that is manifesting through your challenges?
Can you feel the Unconditional Love & Support of the Spirit
World reaching out to you from underneath the pain?
I also believe
that we can learn from joy & laughter just as much as we can from suffering
(even though it is sometimes easy to forget the joy when we are in pain). Who
or what has made you laugh lately? What has *lightened* your heart?
I want to give a great BIG thank you
to Charles Cox, Sukrita, Lisha, Jeremy, Laurie Sings, Karen, Priscilla, and many others from up at camp, who made me laugh
long enough to forget my pain. I also want to thank Evelyn Logan for sharing with me in the joy of the
Lightworker’s conference, and my parrot friend Romeo for being so loving & enthusiastic during our stay together
at camp.
Who
will you thank for lightening your load & bringing joy into your heart? Who—or
what—will you choose to experience gratitude for even in the face of pain?
Remember that no matter what
you are facing now, Spirit is with you, and your angel-teacher-guides are with you. Remember that even
if your heart is breaking into a million pieces, light can still shine in through the cracks (smile). I
love you, and the Universe loves you. Love yourself.
Many Blessings,
Cynthia Killion, Spiritual
Guide
www.cynthiakillion.com
cynthia@cynthiakillion.com
(316) 652-8970
